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I’ve Come A Long Way

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“For the first time in my whole life, I’m not afraid of feelin’ alive,
for the last time, I’m fallin’ behind, and nothing out there will change my mind :)”

-Skillet

There was a time in my life that I never would’ve considered eating more than exactly 1 C. of Fiber One cereal.  Sad as it is, I was caught up in a scary cycle of restrictive eating.   I never would’ve imagined that a decadent breakfast like this one could also be nutritious and healthy!

Base layer = 1/4 C. oats, 1/2 C. mashed banana, 1 packet Delicious Chocolate Greens ; Middle layer = 1/2 C. plain greek yogurt; Top layer = 1/8 C. sugar free syrup, sprinkling of Udi’s Gluten-free granola, & 1 slice of banana

Whether it was an “eating disorder” or not is debatable, but I found a strong will in my ability to say “no, thanks” to anything that looked like it had an ounce of fat in it.  I lost a significant amount of weight, and was miserable.  I felt like I was numb to everything.  No feelings, no emotions, no nothing.  I convinced myself that I’d be happy with a picture perfect (TOO SKINNY) figure, not realizing that I looked like a skeleton when others saw me.  Okay…it was an eating disorder. 

The Baker’s honey wheat bread sammie with 1 egg + 1 white (poke & pour method), alfalfa sprouts, and Tribe Garlic Lovers hummus with a side salad of kale, sprouts, red pepper, and cucumber in Fat Free Lime Basil dressing.

Lunches never used to consist of more than 2 slices of 45 calorie wheat bread with sliced turkey breast (1 serving only) and a slice of fat free cheese + celery on the side.  I never ate other vegetables.  Celery was the lowest possible calorie content I could score.  And so were the other components.

Too bad if I was still hungry when I was finished eating.  I ate what I was allowing myself to have that day, and that was it.  An extra apple or yogurt was NEVER allowed, and if I did “splurge” on an extra slice of bread or cup of yogurt, it meant an extra mile of running or biking as a guilty repentance.  My parents, family, and friends were SO worried.  I’m SO sorry I put you all through that.

Exercise was never a FUN thing.  I couldn’t even do the things I loved most.  Basketball was a nightmare.  I was so fragile and frail, I could barely stay on my feet, let alone dribble, pass, and shoot.  The scary part was, no one could tell me how to fix it.  I had to do it on my own.  It was a realization that I had to come to.  I thank God everyday for snapping me out of it and helping me through it. 

At one point, it has ruined relationships, diminished friendships, and brought to light a side of me that I absolutely hated.  It’s crazy to be admitting this all on the blog, considering my “about me” didn’t get too personal, but it feels SO good to get this off my chest and see how far I’ve really come.

Sweet potato slices with Dark Chocolate Dreams; Broccoli slaw with navy beans, Light Ragu, fat free cottage cheese, and hummus

It wasn’t until I started this blog and became part of the health living community that I TRULY started enjoying food again and being able to partake in those “fear foods” that I once had.  I guess that’s why I was so appalled at the Marie Claire controversial article that recently made blogger headlines.  I hadn’t addressed it to this point, because I didn’t want to give it attention that it didn’t deserve, but since it’s relevant to this post, I figured I would.

I’m so thrilled about where I’m at right now.  Back in school, playing the sport that I love, eating whatever I want, whenever I want it, and feeling completely ALIVE.  🙂  Thank you God for digging me out of the mess I put myself in and leading me to the land of blogging.

Thank all of you readers for your constant support and friendships.  They mean the world to me!

XO.

 

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9 responses »

  1. I am so with you girl. everyday is a struggle, but when I see blogs like yours it makes me want to be BETTER. I see your eats and I realize that I can do it too! The only thing stopping us is ourselves.

    Reply
  2. You’ve come so far!! I was once in that position as well. I slowly started to learn to appreciate food and enjoy it. The blogging world definitely helped with that one.

    Reply
  3. I’m so proud of you. You have come a long way. Its good to see you back to yourself again.

    Reply
  4. I am sooooooooooo proud of you Sami!!! and glad you are healthy!!

    luv ya lots, Aunt Candy

    Reply
  5. Sami, I’m so impressed to hear your story. I’ve just recently come from a very similar place and it really helped me to see that someone else has experienced the fear and lack of control that I felt. You’re a beautiful, strong, incredible girl and this post has seriously made me smile the whole time! Thank you so much for sharing, you have no idea how much it impacted me 🙂

    Reply
  6. joyce reinfeld

    Hey Freckled Foodie., what a joy to read your blog and how u turned your life around. I was one of those persons worried about you., Good luck and God speed. Have a great day. Auntie Joyce, well maybe not, but we do care.

    Reply
  7. DiningAndDishing

    So proud of you!! It takes a lot of courage to address an issue like this on your blog, for the world to see. I’m so glad you’ve made it to a happy, healthy place. And the healthy living community is a better place with you in it! 🙂

    – Beth @ http://www.DiningAndDishing.com

    Reply
  8. I am so proud of you! You have most likely helped some girls and guys who are suffering! I just wrote a post on The Unbearable Lightness (which I can’t wait to read! http://protein-girl.blogspot.com/2010/11/unbearable-lightness-and-strength-of.html). People need to come out! To let others know that they are NOT alone. THat they can reach out and ask for help! They have nothing to be ashamed of, and they can get through this!
    It was SO brave of you to open up and admit to this!
    I love you so much girlie!
    Barbara

    Reply
  9. Yup. Sounds like it WAS an eating disorder (0:

    And they are a bee’snest to recover from so two words…
    YOU ROCK and I am so happy to see you celebrating today.

    ~Missy

    Reply

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